When I was in high school and on the brink of choosing between my current unrequited crush and moving on to a new one (they were always unrequited) I'd play a little scenario game in my head to help sort things out. I'd close my eyes and everything would become some 50s black & white James Dean greaser-type movie. I'd be standing alone on a road that stretched out straight in front of me, though you could hardly tell from the all the fog. On either side of me would be a car, each manned by one of the two boys. Over the raring of the engines they'd both be motioning for me and yelling for me. "Val, get in my car." "Val, come with me." They were about to take off and I could only choose one of them to go with. I'd close my eyes tighter and look back and forth between the cars and I'd know in my heart which car to get into which boy to ride away with. Sometimes my choice would surprise even me.

For the first time in probably seven years I would get into a different car. Much like it was in high school, however, it doesn't really matter which car I choose because once I open my eyes neither is yelling for me or beckoning for me.

Back then I could blame it on my shyness, the fact that I'd never actively pursue one of these crushes. But now, in a leap of faith, I actually confessed my feelings to the guy I couldn't get out of my head. I thought by the way he acted towards me and the things he'd say to me that he felt the same way towards me but my confession was only matched by an outright statement that he has no feelings for me at all and that he never wants to date me.

And now all I want to do is get into my Saturn and drive away.