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A month or so ago I was talking to a friend who said to me, in so many words, "your blog is your passion." This hit me like a ton of bricks because, really, it seemed like something so trivial and so silly and so stupid to be passionate about. I mean, I know I write in my blog a lot and I probably post at least twice as much (if not ten times as much) as some of my friends, but to call it my passion? It seems so insignificant. Especially so when the person who said this is one of the most passionate people I know, who has so much drive and so much ambition and who is probably the one person on Earth who I wish more than anything would see me as someone amazing.
In truth, I don't think it's my blog that is my passion, but instead it's a medium to explore my other passions: writing, photography, web design and, most importantly, trying to live a life that's worthy of writing about. I started writing this thing just over two years ago (my first post was January 7, 2006). I had returned from a trip to California a few weeks earlier to visit Mat.
On this trip, he had told me that he loved me and for once I didn't actually believe it and for once I didn't actually say it back. He didn't say it at the right time and he didn't say it when I actually needed him to and I knew he had only said it because he wanted to sleep with me. I'm not saying I didn't sleep with him then, I'm just saying I knew it was a lie. When I came home he stopped returning my calls and started completely ignoring me. This was nothing strange for him as he'd often go through patches of not talking to me.
He had said something else to me, though, that effected me more than the fake declaration of love. He had said, in so many words, that I had no life and that I had no friends. And I couldn't argue back. I rarely went out, and when I say rarely I mean I sometimes went months without seeing a single friend (and often felt like I had no one at all) and my life basically consisted of watching TV and sleeping.
I wanted to prove to him that I did go out, that I did have friends, that I had a life, that I was an amazing person. I guess I kind of thought that if I could show him that I was social and that people liked being around me and that I did more than just sit around alone in my room, that maybe he'd actually mean it the next time he said he loved me.
So I started my blog. I had had a website for years that had dormantly taken up its space on the web and I'd had a livejournal which I posted in only a handful of times. I combined their forces but still realized that I needed to do something in order to fill the pages. I started being a bit more proactive. I started hanging out, for a while almost daily, with someone who'd I'd been kind of friends with for years but had never really hung out with. I got a passport and decided to accompany another friend to Europe. I more and more started to do the things I always wanted to do but never thought I could. More and more I wanted and needed to fill a pages and pages with stories and pictures of everything I did.
Did my blog become my passion? Maybe. But more so (and this may sound even more trite) it became my lifeline. I don't think I'd do half the stuff I do if I didn't have this tool to broadcast it to the world. It motivates me to want to do more to see more to experience more so that I can have something to write and so that I can take photos to share. I'm afraid that if I didn't have this blog I'd revert back to my old ways and that I'd be as depressed as I was and as sad as I was and as lonely as I was.
I know that I tend to post a lot. A lot. I hope I don't bother too many people with the fact that I blog nonstop about every intricacy of my life and will post anything short of what I had for breakfast each day (well, about 95% of the time that would be nothing anyways.) Truthfully, I now write this blog more for me than for anyone else and that as many people as do actually read this surprises me. This blog gives me the motivation to go out there and be the person I want to be, and compacted into 472 entries, my life over the last two years seems pretty damn amazing to me.
1. Please do not say that you're not really that picky about what you are looking for in a person you'd date when you do not want to date the person you are talking to.
2. Why does everything go wrong at 4:59? At approximately 4:59 on Monday our website crashed. Turned out to be a blown power circuit at the hosting facility. This meant I stayed at work until after six when it went back up. I actually don't mind the staying late...I honestly didn't want to leave if I knew there was a problem. That felt good to know I do care so much. What I hated was that I was helpless and couldn't do anything about it except to wait around for the design company to get it back up. I just hate feeling helpless.
On top of that my plane had landed late and so I didn't get to bed until 3am the night before, I forgot to bring my key/bathroom key so avoided coffee/coke/my intense caffeine addiction all day so as to not have to bother anyone for a bathroom key and be let back into the office, and when I finally broke down to get a Coke at 5:45, the machine ate my dollar. Needless to say I was tired and grumpy at this point.
During this time MattyK asked me to go get financial coffee, but I asked him if it would be OK to just go get friend coffee. I know he hates putting aside work time for play time, but I was in a bad mood and just wanted to chillax and talk. Luckily he agreed so we met at Starbucks. I showed him all my Vegas pics and he laughed at the pinkness of my computer (I'd forgotten that he's never actually seen it). It was a good night of just talking and drinking coffee because we haven't really just hung out together in a long long while now and I miss that. Hopefully he'll put aside some work time to chill with me more often :-)
An amusing quote from Matt: Maybe I'm vehicularly gay.
3. a 2am phone conversation
Him: Did you just call?
Me: Yes.
Him: Did you hang up on me?
Me: Yes.
Him: Wait, you know I answered and you hung up on me?
Me: I heard you answer but I was already in the process of closing the phone.
Him: And you didn't call me back?
Me: I didn't want to call you because I don't want to call you too much.
Him: Well, that is good. But this time you actually had something to talk about.
4. Last night I went out with Joshua to the gym. I wore a shirt that said "Official Fan of the World Hamburger Eating Championship" and watched food network (I did debate watching MTV's Return to Fat Camp though) while on the treadmill. I'm what you might call ironic.
5. Microsoft Word is weird. I did a spell check it decided that "Joe came..." was not correct and decided that maybe I meant "Joe camel..."
6. Blake Lewis's album is out! Dare I say that this will be the first American Idol CD I ever purchase??? Heather and I should have a dance party.
7. Humble Bob posted some of my pics. (see also: thoughts and pictures) He rocks!
8. Reason #5,689,890 that I should not be allowed to shop alone: Pink Illini Jersey! p.s. I also found the mecca for pink ties ;-) Just sayin.
9. Despite the fact that I already owned it on DVD from the first time it came out, I bought the new box set of My So Called Life because that show was so quintessentially me. Honestly I don't think I would have ever been so adamant about dying my hair if it wasn't for Angela Chase. But you know you're getting older when you feel more and more sorry for Brian Krakow. Honestly though, I am still searching for my Jordan Catalano.
10. I've posted a few entries over at Silly America. You should read them, and subscribe to the RSS feed!
1. I still haven't heard whether I have November 30 off of work...I do however have a plane ticket for that morning :-)
2. I am a sucker for guys in glasses. I am tracing this back to the fact that many guys will wear contacts during the day but then have on their glasses right before bed and in the morning, so it automatically gets your mind thinking about sleeping with him.
3. I am so incredibly screwed. But at least after this week I never will feel this way again :-)
4. I really need to stop working and start seeing operas.
1. He changed from single to in a relationship on myspace. :-(
2. If I had to go see a naked magic show, the least JoeJoe can do is go see an educational Australian nature program.
3. After spending the night with the travel channel as they profiled Fiordland followed by Anthony Bourdain boar hunting in New Zealand...I have decided that I am accompanying Joe and Alina on their honeymoon...
4. Does rare food (rare as in hard to find an expensive, not as in undercooked) taste so good because it tastes so good or because people are pretentious?
5. I stole this pic from Emily. I think it pretty much sums up the friendship between MK and me.
6. I thought my homework sucked, but for two of the four humor shorts I turned in, my professor said they were amongst the best in the class. (p.s. the other two sucked)... Since I probably will not do anything more with this one, thought I'd share:
In light of the positive responses Chicago has received to increasing the smoking ban to include public beaches and parks, government officials are now weighing other options for increasing the ban. The anticipated ideas include raising the laws banning smoking from within 15-feet of office buildings to 150 feet from offices and 1,050 feet from beaches, parks, gas stations, hotels, schools, and houses. Other suggestions include banning smoking altogether from churches, firehouses, gas stations, libraries, and any rooms with "room" in the title (bedrooms, living rooms, bathrooms, and dining rooms would be banned but basements, attics, kitchens, parlors would still be OK, as long as they are not within 1,050 feet of an entrance).
1. Only a couple hours after his death, I recieved this:
It's good to know the dead have their priorities straight.
2. I'm back to wanting to call you every night. I restrain.
3. I forgot the term "Sauté." It still doesn't sound right.
now we all know in Chicago, the fourth is truly clebrated on the third...
1. Lunch
top: Italian Breaded Steak Sandwich (Ricobene's), Irish Curry Fries (Abbey Pub), Gazpacho with Avocado and Chopped Chives (The Grill on the Alley)
Bottom: Cilantro Steak Empanada (Vermillion), Pound Cake Pop Drizzled with Fig Vodka Butter Syrup and Chocolate (Polo Café & Catering)
2. Dinner
Top: Potato Pancakes (Kasia's Deli), Cheese Pierogis (Kasia's Deli)
Middle: Italian Fries (Tutto Italiano), Beer-battered Artichoke Hearts (Bella Luna Café)
Bottom: Chocolate-covered Rice Krispie Treat (Chicago Chocolate Company), Sweet Potato Chips (B.J.'s Market and Bakery)
3. Fireworks
I met up with Jen and Rory and some other peeps and then later JoeJoe and Alina...and then later later with Nadia and Bryan because cell phones kind of stop working when you are jam-pack surrounded by a million or so people all trying to use their cell phone.
The fireworks were coolcoolcool, but shortshortshort as always. Once the fireworks started all the idiots next to us cleared out because they realized that they could not, in fact, see the fireworks through the giant tree they were sitting behind...then a bunch of bigger idiots saw the new clearing and decided to start forming a line IN FRONT OF US WHO HAD STAKED OUT GOOD SEAT HOURS AND HOURS BEFORE because they apparently thought that a million other people just didn't notice this big empty spot. People are morons sometimes. We started a mutiny by not letting them through and this chick next to us almost got in a fistfight with this guy after scooting up to sit right in his path and kicking him so he couldn't get through. :)
All in all though, it was quite fun.
And then came the trek through the city amongst the biggest cowd you'd ever see in your life. Luckily we didn't take the el anywhere since there were apparently problems that left people stranded on it for hours. eh.
Afterwords most everyone ditched us and the rest of us headed off to Clarke's.
And I explained my new boyfriend plan...which is the most brilliant plan I've ever come up with. :)
   
   
   
   
Today...in pictures
1. Went to the Taste for lunch with these people:
It takes 20 minutes to walk to Grant Park, and 20 minutes to walk back. Which leaves me with 20 minutes to chow down on:
Top: Fried Ravioli (don't know where that was from, Jen had it left over), Pomegranate BBQ Chicken (Pars Cove Persian Cuisine)
Bottom: Mango Cumin-Dusted Fries with Tamarind Chutney (Vermilion), Fresh Pineapple Seafood Salad (Grazie! Ristorante)
2. SummerDance to learn Salsa, Merengue, and Bachata
3. The Taste for Dinner :)
Top: Rum-battered Fried Tilapia Filet and Garlic-Mozzarella Cheese Bread (Polo Cafe & Catering)
Bottom: Mustard Fried Catfish (B.J.'s Market & Bakery), Strawberry and Mango Italian Ice (Mazzone's)
Yesterday...in not so many pictures
1. Went shopping in search of the perfect martini shaker. In the process I found for myself the perfect powder blue colander, or maybe three of them. I didn't buy them though...yet.
2. fucked it all up.
3. Called Mat back...three times. He didn't pick up.
4. Mat called me. I picked up...
1. I always knew he'd be the perfect boyfriend:
2. Wednesday I went for coffee with MK and his friend Dan, but I had a milkshake and it was damn yummy. We then went back to Matt's for Top Gear and I made him play the episode where they go to America and show how horrible of a country we are :) At one point they have a challenge to drive through Alabama without getting arrested or shot...and at the same time try to get the other guys arrested or shot...and they did so by painting things such as "Nascar Sucks" and "Vote for Hillary" and "Man Love Rules OK" on each others cars. Yeah...they were almost killed...
Since I had to follow MK and Dan back, they kept trying to throw me off by constantly switching lanes and turning on the turn signal and switching places with each other Chinese firedrill style. It was funny. :) And, since it was a *warm* 35 degrees I put down all my windows and sang because the shuffle Q101 was playing had a bunch of my fav sing at the top of my lungs songs (when's the last time I ever heard Little Black Backpack on the radio???)
3. Today my department had our Christmas party. Yup. We got some yummy tapas (I had some muchrooms stuffed with duck and topped with cheese amongst other dishes).
4. I am currently signed up for 2 classes next quarter and can't decide between them. Now, I could take both of them and be done with my masters by June...but I don't really want to devote that much time to class while working full time plus hopefully there will be something I really really want to take next quarter. My choice is between technical writing and text and image. I probably should take tech writing, but it meets on Mondays so I will no longer be able to attend any 24 things. But then again, text and image is on Wednesdays so I will be in class when they announce who gets kicked off of American Idol. Decisions, decisions... Opinions on what sounds better???
One of those nights where she has to pretend that she's sleeping under a blanket so no one can see that she's crying. Where she then sits outside in a cold car for ten minutes because she can't see and can't breath and doesn't want to be anywhere else. And she calls you, ten minutes later while she's banging her head against the steering wheel but can't talk because she wants to say so many things she can't. And she calls someone else because it's easier being treated like crap when you can blame it on alcoholism. And at least he doesn't answer but she hears his voice for the first time in seven months and it makes her feel worse. When she does finally leave she has to pull over several times on the drive because everything is a kaleidoscope through her tears. Driving is bad anyways because every time she is in the car she either wants to crash it or drive away and never turn back. And she feels so damned fucked-up worthless. And all she wants to do is go to sleep and never wake up.
And she hates every time you point out a girl you used to date or that you used to like because all you think is why am I not good enough. And she hates when you say that you'd never have a serious conversation online and if you had something to talk about you'd do it in person or call because you did all of your talking there and you broke up with her there and you never called her to talk. And she hates you for telling her that you liked her and wanted to date her and then later saying you never meant it. And she hates that you only want to see her when you're sleeping with her and if you're not she doesn't matter anymore. She hates that you never even talk to her anymore or ask if she's OK and you don't realize what it is that really hurts her. And she hates that you seem to want to spend all your time with someone else. And she hates herself for getting into it all and for not realizing that you never cared. And she hates herself so damned much. And all she wants to do is go to sleep and never wake up.
"Do you need me to prove something to you?" he asked. I was still crying, wetting his pillowcase. Whether it was from real sadness or trying to evoke pity and attention or from knowing my weaknesses, I'm not sure. Some combination of all three no doubt. I squirmed around in his bed to look back at him, leaning against the doorway molding.
"Yes," I screamed, but not out loud, in my head. Yes. Yes, I wanted for him to prove something to me. Yes, that was all I had ever wanted. Yes. I wanted him to prove that he loved me. That he even liked me. I wanted him to prove that he wanted me when he wasn't drunk or that he wasn't just using me. That he at least cared. That I was at least worth something. Somehow, I wanted him to prove this to me. It's what I'd been silently screaming for for years. I was convinced that if he was able to prove something to me that everything would be alright. I'd stop crying, I'd stop caring, we would be happy.
I shrugged my shoulders.
He grabbed his Marlboros off the dresser and left the room.
I have weepy days where everything makes me either cry or feel sick.
Today I am weepy because:
- i keep screwing up at work
- i feel like I am not good at anything
- of boys
- i wasn't able to go skiing last weekend
- i know that if i had gone skiing no one would have hung around with me while I figured out how to
- everyone went snowboarding
- i feel i will never be happy anywhere i live
- i feel i will be lonely when i move
- someone is trying to see me naked
Yeah, yes, whoever you are, I know that you googled (or more correctly, yahooed) 'Valerie Bromann Naked' last night. It's not so much that some random person wants to see me naked that bothers me, it's that I don't know who it is...and it's driving me crazy...and more so that someone would think somehow that I would put myself naked on the interweb!
If you are reading this, oh mysterious one who wishes to see me naked, leave me a comment and tell me why, please. I mean, I know that most of my readership is just dying to see me naked, it's a pretty hot sight ;-), but still, I'd like to know. You can comment annonymously. although i would like to know who you are. who are you?
Are you the same person who a month or so ago typed into a browser valbromann.com/nude and valbromann.com/blog/nude???
Also, I will take this opportunity to point out that my blog (not the entire site, just the blog) has a nifty little search tool located at the top right of the page. You can search my blog there for anything you want (you will, in fact find a naked picture I posted once if you look hard enough :) ) So if you are ever wondering how many times I used the word naked or your name or talked about cheese, there you go.
It all started a year ago today.
I can't believe it was that long ago.
I still can't decide if it was the best decision or the worst decision I ever made.
Dear Santa,
For Christmas I would like a boy who will...
... take me to see the Christmas trees at the museum of science and industry (it's my favoritest).
... drive around with me to look for ridiculously decorated houses.
... sip hot chocolate with me.
... make snowmen with me.
... cuddle with me to keep me warm.
I will leave out homemade cookies and a Pepsi under my tree for you. Thank you.
Love,
Val
It's officially been two months since I last called.
It's officially been sixty calls on my recently dialed list and you are no longer there.
I went out with Nad tonight to celebrate :)
I am smart enough to know that you only told me that you loved me so you could sleep with me.
I guess I wasn't smart enough to know that once you slept with me you would no longer want anything to do with me.
the end.
I wanted to come home and write that he saw me. That he hugged me. That he told me his reasons for not calling and not telling me that he was in Chicago and that they made sense.
I didn't want to write that he came out and stood behind be talking to some other group of people and didn't even acknowledge that I was there.
I just left then.
Nadia and I went to see Mat's play tonight. Imminent Dangers of Love and the Afterlife. It was pretty interesting and pretty funny, about a guy who accidentally kills himself to try to attract a woman's attention, then is stuck in a waiting room because he doesn't know what afterlife to follow.
It was odd to see Mat, since he hasn't even spoken to me since December. He was standing in front of me and talking but not talking to me.
I guess I maybe thought that I'd be the first to know. And he didn't even tell me. he seriously must have put me on a plane and hopped on the next one to the same location and not even told me. Not even once cared enough to pick up the phone when I called. I thought I'd be the first and apparently I'm the last and he wasn't even the one to tell me and I had to read it in a fucking newspaper. And now I feel like shit.
Trying to keep my mind off the fact that Mat hasn't called. I was supposed to go out tonight for Josh's birthday, but no one called or returned my calls. I really needed to get out. And now my mascara's all over my face. So, to keep me semi-entertained, here's some randomness.
a) I have now seen two tv shows in the last two days where a person is wearing the same exact Target sweatshirt I own. First on some HGTV design show last night, and just now on Tiara Girls (this show is horrid. The mom is yelling at her daughter for eating crap like doughnuts and pizza because they are so bad for her...so, why is the mom buying them in the first place then?) Anyways, it was just odd. I love that sweatshirt and wear it too much. I wish I had bought more colors.
b) Random conversation with JoeJoe:
faeriewingtips (1:35:00 PM): ooo, i saw that this weekend is going to be the most exciting weekend ever in baseball!!!!
MMartian33 (1:35:16 PM): it is?
faeriewingtips (1:35:28 PM): yes
MMartian33 (1:35:39 PM): are they all wearing pink jerseys or something?
faeriewingtips (1:35:51 PM): wow
faeriewingtips (1:35:53 PM): http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/5594322?GT1=8192
faeriewingtips (1:36:00 PM): do you know me that well?
MMartian33 (1:36:03 PM): oh my god
MMartian33 (1:36:11 PM): that was seriously a totally out of the blue comment :)
faeriewingtips (1:36:13 PM): haha
MMartian33 (1:36:33 PM): it was either that or 'are they taking the weekend off?' ... i picked pink
faeriewingtips (1:36:37 PM): hehe
faeriewingtips (1:39:23 PM): pink always makes sports more watchable
MMartian33 (1:40:00 PM): i respectfully disagree
c) Random conversation with Rob:
faeriewingtips: thre is one wearing a mask
faeriewingtips: the facial features look very much like a dude
faeriewingtips: http://www.ultimatesurrender.com/wrestlers/redninja.php
faeriewingtips: that one
faeriewingtips: http://www.ultimatesurrender.com/wrestlers/toni.php
faeriewingtips: that looks like a man too
LordPalleon: oh god
faeriewingtips: i ruined your masturbation for life
LordPalleon: :-(
faeriewingtips: hehe
d) I want to do a suicide suspension because I want to fly like a fairy, but I really don't.
e) I want my Kurt art but I don't want to be a pain and keep asking him about it, but it's been over a month since I last emailed him.
f) 3 more weeks of work. Still no one new hired. I am reluctant to tell most people that I am leaving because they will probably try to get me to do big projects for them before I leave, which I won't have time for.
g) I only have $81.16 left on my $500 target gift card. That makes me sad.
h) The gay dog shampoo people emailed me thanking me for mentioning them on my website. I found that funny.
i) the 16 year old across the street is having a birthday party. My car just missed getting hit with one of their beer bottles they threw by a foot.
j) my dad may have witnessed the other guy across the street dealing drugs the other day.
k) This site made me giggle: Romance Novels. It may just have been the fact that I hadn't slept at all the night before I saw it, but "This Book Costs More in Canada" made me laugh for ten minutes.
l) this also made me laugh: Mario Live!
I guess that's all the randomness I have right now.
Every time I called I thought I was calling two hours later. I guess I was wrong...
So, I get home from work. The local paper is sitting on the coffee table. There is a small picture on the front and I think, "hehe, that kind of looks like my ex-boyfriend." I look closer, it...is?...my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend who hasn't talked to me since December. My ex-boyfriend who might have picked up the phone 2 weeks ago and definitely called without me answering the other night. Who, last time I talked to him, lived in Los Angeles. I open up the paper. There is an article on him. Yeah, so, he apparently lives in Chicago and is starring in some play. Apparently he's been living here since January and apparently I'm not important enough of a person to tell.
My dad said that he saw it and was tempted to throw it away. I am freaking out. And kind of pissed. And, I don't know what. What?
Musings from my professor:
"She was a bitch...I think she needed more Prozac."
"I love a world where poetry can pay the rent and get you laid."
Short story is done in the sense that it is turned in. I guess its good that its not great because it can now only get better in the rewrite. I don't like the ending though. I basically had one paragraph that I really liked and then another paragraph I really liked with a big ole blank spot in between where the guy was supposed to say something brilliant. It sat like that for 2 weeks, he never thought of anything. We'll see how it goes in workshop.
And wtf? I was so totally fine and then he calls and now doesn't call back. He was probably drunk or high or something and didn't know what he was doing.
Mat hasn't talked to me since December, when he dropped me off at LAX and said goodbye. I've called. I've emailed. I've heard nothing back. At first it really made me angry, upset. And then I managed to get myself to a point where I was happier than I'd been in a long, long time and I was going by weeks without even thinking about him. Until, of course, that time ended.
Last year on May 24, which happened to be his birthday, which happened to be the five year anniversary of our breakup, he showed up out of nowhere. At that point he hadn't talked to me in 8 months. And I was angry, upset, but still managed to fall back into whatever it is I fall into. And surprisingly, it was probably one of the best times we've had together in a long, long time. Why? There were no expectations, I think. And maybe because I'd grown a little, I wasn't quite as afraid to tell him what I wanted so I didn't walk away crying.
I called him last night because now I'm back to calling too often, but not for the same reasons as before. I think he picked up. He might have picked up, but I'm not sure. I rarely ever have the phone to my ear when I dial his number. I wasn't even going to let it get to the message this time. Just let it ring long enough to get my name on the missed calls list. I was in the middle of closing it when I heard mumbled noises of a crowd. Maybe he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing. Maybe someone else picked it up for him thinking he wouldn't want to miss a call. Maybe the phone answered itself in his pocket. Maybe I imagined it.
May 24 is coming up again and I keep wondering if maybe he'll show up out of the blue again. And what I'll do. Because I know what he'll do and I don't know if I'm strong enough now to resist. And in my year of seizing opportunities do I seize the opportunity to "have fun" or to regain some dignity and maybe, perhaps, move forward?
And then there was the one who I wanted more than what I wanted from.
And now this.
I was talking to Nad the other day as we were on our way to someplace I wasn't sure I wanted to go. And we decided that I need to go on a diet. A No Matt Diet. For serious, as of now I can no longer date, want to date, think about dating, whatever, any man named Matt. I have only ever dated guys named Matt and they seem to keep creeping into my life. I'm at the point where I either have to get the name tattooed on my ass or walk away, wash my hands of them.
There are plenty of reasons for this diet:
1) It's just plain creepy to have only dated guys with the same first name.
2) It makes it nearly impossible to hold an easy conversation (Well, I really like Matt but I'm afraid that Matt will come back into the picture...) My friends are sick of it.
3) I have been nothing but constantly and consistently hurt. There are things I've never even told anyone else. There are things that I didn't even understand myself until recently.
Now, I'm not saying I can give up any of the Matt's already in my life. I still want to talk to and be friends with #1 (if he ever mysteriously reappears) because he knows things and understands things about me that I don't think anyone else possibly could. And #2 used to be such a good friend and I am truly at a point where I more than happy for where he is. But I can't take it anymore. "God's Gifts" are turning out to be nothing of the sort.
And I think I'm ready to say it. If these guys can't understand what a fucking catch I am, then they deserve to not have me and I don't deserve them. I am a damn amazing person. I'm cute, I'm fun, I cook, I...talk about sex a lot. Any guy would be fucking lucky to call me theirs.
So, from now on, if I meet any guy and he tells me his name is Matt, I will walk away right there and then. I am worth so much more than this shit.
1. I think I might not take summer school. I was going to do it so I could graduate in November, but now it looks like there is only 1 class offered in the fall that I would take so I wouldn't graduate until March anyways. This will free up two nights a week and give a little extra travel/novel writing/wedding planning, and give me $1700 extra.
2. No, I really don't want to hang out with you and the girl you may be dating, especially since you never want to see me any other time anymore and especially since you are now making plans with her before me and have seemed to have replaced me completely and especially when you ask me at the last minute when you know it will take me 45 minutes to get there and therefore know I wouldn't make it. Also please stop pointing out ex girlfriends to me because then all I do is wonder what she has that made you want to date her and not me.
3. I really want to quit my job now. (OK, so I already quit, but I want to stop going now).
4. I've taken to sleeping with my window wide open and my pillow on the window frame and my head kind of hanging outside. This is probably dangerous.
When I was in high school and on the brink of choosing between my current unrequited crush and moving on to a new one (they were always unrequited) I'd play a little scenario game in my head to help sort things out. I'd close my eyes and everything would become some 50s black & white James Dean greaser-type movie. I'd be standing alone on a road that stretched out straight in front of me, though you could hardly tell from the all the fog. On either side of me would be a car, each manned by one of the two boys. Over the raring of the engines they'd both be motioning for me and yelling for me. "Val, get in my car." "Val, come with me." They were about to take off and I could only choose one of them to go with. I'd close my eyes tighter and look back and forth between the cars and I'd know in my heart which car to get into which boy to ride away with. Sometimes my choice would surprise even me.
For the first time in probably seven years I would get into a different car. Much like it was in high school, however, it doesn't really matter which car I choose because once I open my eyes neither is yelling for me or beckoning for me.
Back then I could blame it on my shyness, the fact that I'd never actively pursue one of these crushes. But now, in a leap of faith, I actually confessed my feelings to the guy I couldn't get out of my head. I thought by the way he acted towards me and the things he'd say to me that he felt the same way towards me but my confession was only matched by an outright statement that he has no feelings for me at all and that he never wants to date me.
And now all I want to do is get into my Saturn and drive away.
I said "I know you don't love me"
You said "I do love you."
I was trying to give you an out.
You said you didn't have to say I love you because I should have known by your actions.
You said you loved me only once.
You never said you loved me. You never said you loved her.
You said "I enjoy being single, I don't have time for a girlfriend"
Then showed up with another girl.
After two years together and I told you I no longer wanted to see you and you just said "OK."
You told me I was being paranoid by thinking you liked someone else, and then dumped me for her.
You held my hand in public, you put your arm around me during movies, you told me that you never wanted me to leave, you called me yours, you said that I fit better than anyone and then said that I misinterpreted you.
You call her stupid and lazy and worthless. And so do I. You call me a child.
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