Recently in childhood Category

True story:

I went to preschool in a small brick building under the town's water tower. I don't remember much about it except for the one day we made chicken soup and the time the girls all sang the Jem theme song and the boys sang the Super Bowl Shuffle and that I used to carry around a notebook and come up with inventions all the time. I drew out sketches for a flying belt and for a huge building I wanted to build in the backyard to serve as a doll hospital.

I remember that we did these little demonstrations. Those things they make you do to learn "life skills" and so forth. One was for fire drills where I got in trouble for not putting down the toy I was holding. But really, wouldn't it have taken longer for me to have put it down than to just carry it outside?

There was another one I remember where me and this girl were playing with a shoe, and another girl came up to ask if she could play with us. I said "Sure," and we all started to play with the shoe. The teacher then scolded me and told me that I was already playing with someone so I should have said no.

And I believed my teacher for way longer than I ever should have. And that moment single handedly ruined the rest of my life.

***

Anyways.

***

Saturday night I was going to drive to Champaign for Lindsay's birthday. Turned out though that a) the baby shower I went to took me an hour in the right direction, but I then had to drive back an hour to drop off my mom, and that b) it went a little longer than expected and that c) JenP was in town and was making plans.

JenP (I need a better name for her. I avoid using last names, but I know two JenPs...JenP from Champaign...) called me up and said that people were going to see Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind. I'd always wanted to see it but had never gone and I never see Jen so I decided to just stay in Chicago and go out with her. Plus I still had some work to prepare for today's web launch so it was a little better for me to have the next morning. (Sorry Lindsay! We'll party it up again soon!?!)

I met up with Jen and Andrew and JoeJoe and Alina for dinner. We were going to go to a pizza place but ended up at another restaurant that wasn't so crowded. I got meatloaf because on my birthday I was torn between the fish and chips and the meatloaf and got fish and chips then. I forgot to take a picture of it though. We ALL ordered alcoholic beverages and the waiter looked around our table and said "I need to see...ummmm..." his gaze lands on me, "your ID." Well, he got the second oldest at the table...

After we finished eating we headed over to the theatre. We got there wicked early and were the only ones in line and the doors wouldn't even open for an hour. It was cold and so when we found out Andrew's friends who were just around the block at Hopleaf so we decided to meet them there for a few.

So we went into Hopleaf, where they carded all of us, and met Bobby1 and Bobby2 (they shall be ordered in the order I met them). There was a sandwich on the table that belonged to neither of them, but they still were eating the fries anyways. When I saw it I thought it was a really knarly looking steak on the plate, but turns out it was rye bread.

I ordered a Duchesse, which I had had a couple of times before at the Blind Pig. I like it because it tastes more like wine than like beer. Bobby1 tasted it and said it tasted like mustard. That cannot be true as I HATE mustard.

So Jen was antsy to go and I tried to chug it down, but as we all know I can't chug alcohol. But I got close enough to finishing. So I left what was left.

So we all left and went to the theatre where there now was a very long line. I gave JoeJoe my extra hat to wear because my superhood was enough.

So finally the line started moving and everyone was given a little fireman toy which meant you were allowed to get in (as there are no tickets ahead of time). My fireman had no head. Bobby2 couldn't decide if his fireman was holding a rifle or if someone had chewed off part of a hose. I later discovered that mine looked the same (except without the head) so it was either a rifle or a really pathetic hose. Or whoever had mine had chewed off both the head and the hose. But why would a fireman need a rifle?

Finally they started letting people in so we all lined up to pay. The show costs $9 plus whatever your roll of the dice brings. I rolled a 2 so I had to pay $11. Then they ask your name and they give you a nametag with something completely different written on it. I was "kiddo," because apparently everyone thinks I look 12 :-)

So I was the last of our group to get in, which of course means I stood there looking around forever until I saw where everyone was sitting. So it was a really small theater, but I still didn't see them right away...and then when I did it totally looked like there was no extra seat next to them, so I thought they had left me out :-( Of course, the seat on the end was actually free I was just blind.

So, I wish I was better at talking to people I don't know. I swear, I am either the quietest person you know or the loudest. But I was sitting on the end next to Bobby2 and I felt bad that I didn't say more because he seemed like a really nice person and I would have liked to have talked more. But I am way too shy sometimes. Dear Val, work on that.

When the show was about to start they announced that there was a full house and therefore they would order pizza for the entire audience. So they put a phone on the microphone and called takeout. They ordered one large (for 150 people) and when they asked what we wanted on it the whole audience at once started yelling out toppings.

The concept of the show was awesome: 30 plays in 60 minutes. Each play had a number and they did the plays in order of whatever number they heard yelled from the audience first after the previous play had ended. I won't remember all of the plays, but here are a few that I remember...

They asked for all the GLBT people in the audience to stand up. They then proceeded to bring out free snacks and sodas and (candy) cigarettes for them. JoeJoe later remarked that Jen and Andrew should do that at their wedding.

Revenge of a Theatre Major consisted of one sentence: "Ha, I still have my job."

One where...umm...a guy just stuck his naked ass through the door for karaoke...

There was no number 15, it was replaced by a picture of Obama with his eyes cut out. This ended up being a mask that one of the actors put on and then beat the head of an actor with a Bush head on with a plastic bat.

There was one where a guy was pushing a rock around with his head...then was joined by other people pushing other objects around with their heads. Then they all started suggestively dancing with their objects.

So, yeah. It was one weird-ass show. But it was awesome.

At the end they served the pizza. The slices weren't even an inch by an inch but it was still good. And that was awesome too.

When I was in first grade the teacher asked for everyone who was right handed to raise their hand. Then she asked for everyone who was left handed to raise their hand. I raised mine to the latter, and the teacher questioned my choice. It turned out I was right handed but, unlike every other first grader in the class, I had never before heard either of those terms. That is the first moment I can remember where I felt as if I would never know as much about anything as anyone else.

I think I've carried this with me throughout my life. I never raise my hand in class because I always assume I will be wrong. I don't suggest things at work because I feel like my ideas will be stupid or that someone else would be more qualified to make a decision. I never have felt as if I could be an authority on anything.

Even when I felt "good" at anything there was always something in my way. I've mentioned millions of times that for half of my life (and still now) I wanted to be a dancer. It was something that I was good at and that I loved to do more than anything. But my joints never cooperated and I had horrible flexibility so despite how well I could dance I could never be a dancer.

In high school I took up acting, which again I loved and felt good at, but once I left the confines of my small school and saw what was really out there, I realized I was just a small fish in a big pond and never felt like I would be able to succeed.

In college I just picked a major and stuck with it. People are always amazed that I had the same major for all four years. But it wasn't because I knew what I wanted and went for it. It was because I really didn't know what to do. I was training, basically, to be in PR despite the fact that I didn't really like PR. I did have fun with marketing. Some of the times I felt best were when I was creating marketing campaigns for KCSA and Inline Insomniacs and I really saw them working. It was fun designing and strategizing. But that was small scale, and amongst friends, and when you only answer to yourself it's easier.

I still don't know what I want to do. I do like my job but is it what I want to do forever? What do I want to do???

One of my goals this year is to develop a "good five-year plan." In other words I want to figure out, once and for all, what it is I want to do with my life, and how I can get there. I don't want to be continually questioning my life. I just want to live it and be happy with where I am.

I am so scared that I will forever be wondering what I want to do instead of just doing something I love and that makes me happy.

I was talking with Nadia the other day and the subject veered off into careers, as it always seems to do nowadays. I told her that sometimes I think about how much I'd like to go to the CIA. And she said she did too. And then we laughed because it was funny that we both knew exactly what we meant by CIA (Culinary Institute of America - not Central Intelligence Agency). But then we agreed on the inevitable question that would come after that. "Then what?"

I could get a degree in baking, but then what? I like to bake but do I want to be a baker? How does one be a baker? And anyone in the restaurant industry works ridiculously long hours and do I really want that?

I am so afraid of that "then what." I've already spent ten years dancing to realize I couldn't pursue it. And four years on a worthless bachelors degree. And now four years on a masters I probably won't even need for anything.

I don't want to go through it all again.

The way I see it, there are four main problems:
One. I tend to lose interest in things once I don't think I'll be the best.
Two. I will have a masters degree, and $25 - 30,000 of debt in six months.
Three. I feel that no matter what I do I will never be better, or even as good, as anyone else.
Four. Even if I know what I want to do, I don't know how to go about doing it.

There are so many things that I love to do, but I never pursue them because I always assume that there are already so many people doing it and they all are going to be better at it than I ever will or that. Or I assume that there is no career in it. I love photography, I love web design, I love cooking. But then what?

And then there's the question of time. I hate 9-5. I hate sitting in a quiet office (seriously, I do my best work while sitting at my laptop on my couch with a movie going in the background). I hate going to the same place every day. I hate not having freedom. I want to be able to sleep in and do my work at one in the morning. I want to be able to pick up and travel if I so desire.

I know that for most everyone these are impossible things to do. But ideally, I would be freelancing and setting my own hours but not working crazy all the time.

But I have to figure this out. I have to find a way to be living like I want to live with a career I love and with the freedom and flexibility to schedule my life how I see fit. Here's a start.

Writer
Don't get me wrong here. I want to be a writer. But there is no career in it. I don't like writing marketing copy or interviewing people. I like to write about myself. I like to write memoir and essays and some young adultish fiction. I have succumbed to the fact that I will probably never be a full time essayist because, well, almost nobody is. I started writing because I have ONE story to tell. I think now I have more. But I am 26 and boring and know that there are people who have it much worse but somehow I think I can speak for us all and give us all a voice. I sometimes dream that my memoir will get published and that that will lead to being some sort of spokesperson and activist and all that. And I hope to at least get some things published. And maybe make a nice career out of it. But I am not a business writer and so it probably won't be a full-time career.

Editor
I don't know if I would really be happy being an editor. Mostly because I don't mind bad grammar. I feel like I could edit computer manuals or continue with web editing. I like this option because it would require no further schooling and could be done freelance which would save me the money and time of doing more schooling and could allot me the freedom and flexibility I need.

Photographer
I love photography. I love taking photos of everything and documenting life and sharing my world through photography. I don't, however, know what I am doing.
Lately a lot of people have been saying I should be a wedding photographer.
Nadia, Bryan, Jen and Adam tell me I should be a wedding photographer.
Nadia said that after showing my pictures to her co-workers they said she had a really good photographer and she had to tell them that I wasn't the real photographer.
After seeing her shower pics my sister said she should have hired me for the wedding.
It actually sounds appealing.
a) I always wanted to be a wedding planner, but am not cut out for it, so I could still be involved in weddings.
b) I could design myself a kickass website that would constantly need to be updated - satisfying my web design cravings.
c) I love photography.
Obviously it would be a long process. I mean, at this point I don't even know how to take advantage of the manual modes of my camera. I'd need to learn the craft much more, somehow gain experience photographing professionally, invest in a lot of good equipment (I'd feel as if I'd need a couple good cameras, so that I have a backup in case something happens. Etc., etc., etc.

Web Designer
This is another case of something I love to do, but don't really know anything about. I love playing with my site and making new designs and learning new web-designy things. I love web design. But again, I'd need to learn a lot, take classes, spend money...And again, it's one of those things where I feel like I'm never going to be as good at as anyone else.

Baker
I like to cook and bake and sometimes think I should be doing that. I think I would like to bake over being a regular chef. There is just something calming and satisfying about making a big gooey cake. I also like to decorate cakes and such. The thing I don't like about baking is that in a lot of professional settings you always see the baker as the person who has to be up in the kitchen at the crack of dawn. I am not a morning person.

Food stylist
This is one of those random careers I think about but don't really know how anyone would become one. I've seen classes offered on it though and think I'd like to take them. Lord knows I like to take pictures of my food :) I think it would be something fun that would allow me to work in food without being a chef.

Part of me thinks that I might never be happy doing just one thing. Like maybe I should just learn everything and combine it all into a super career. Like I could be a wedding photographer who takes really good pictures of the food and has a really awesome website. Or I could have a small company that specializes in websites for restaurants. It could then combine food styling, web design, and photography and could be a one-stop shop where we could take all the photos for the restaurant, style the food, and put together the site.

And I honestly have no idea how I would "become" any of these things.

And I don't know where to start. I feel like I should start taking classes in photography and web design, but I don't even know how to go about that. Should I go to a community college or a specialty training center, or a real college? Or should I just say fuck it and not do a damn thing?

All I know is that I want to get to the point where I am no longer saying "what now?" "what next?" or "what if?"

Anyone want to tell me what I should do with my life?

When I was a kid I used to take pictures cat food ad kittens and glue cut-out pictures of human eyes and noses and mouths over their features. I made this example tonight to illustrate this:

It took me about 2 hours and entirely too many magazines to find good kitten ad. There used to be a lot more when I was younger.

I love my car because I now have automatic windows, which means that on hot days I can open them all and have wind coming in from all directions. I love Saturns because it was the first car I'd ever been naked in; this fact did influence my decision in buying one. Yesterday I cleaned out all the random papers in my car and I had to lie on the backseat to get them out. It was rather comfortable and brought back some memories.
Don't get me wrong though, I do miss Krusty the Kar and how it shook violently when I hit the brake and how the roof rack made the radio stations come in too fuzzy in the rain and how the spare tire was filled with green pennies and how people would think I was a cop in the middle of the night.

I read a book yesterday called the Year of Yes. Basically for a year the author went out with every guy (and girl) who asked her so she went out with like over 100 people or something ridiculous like that. WTF? I haven't been asked out by anyone in the last 2 and a half years (and basically my whole life), who gets asked out that much?